Campus sources reported Monday that all your friends had more fun than you did over fall break, including that kid who likes Star Trek a lot.

At first your decision to not go home to visit your family or make any sort of social plans to “just relax” seemed like an excellent idea, but after waking up at noon last Thursday to nothing but daytime television, your high spirits began to crumble.

“Niagara Falls was awesome,” said your roommate, who had invited you to skip classes on Wednesday and join in on a trip to Canada. “But I’m sure staring at the barren concrete basin where the fountains used to cascade was just as exciting.”

During the first day or so of break, you enjoyed the empty dorms. You never once waited to use the shower and nobody woke you up at 3 a.m. by repeatedly attempting to open the locked lobby doors. However, you quickly discovered that the shame of missed opportunity could not be washed away and that it is impossible to fall asleep with the crushing silence of wasted youth closing in around you.

By Saturday you hit the depth of your quiet destitution when, despite the absence of a line for omelets in the dining hall, you were forced to sit alone while even the dining hall employees carried on in cheerful conversation with their co-workers. Later that night, even a 12-inch buffalo chicken sub and a pint of Wavy Gravy ice cream from BJ’s Sub Connection couldn’t fill the void in your empty soul.

Sources also reported that according to photos posted online, all your old high school friends were in town this past weekend and they all went out to dinner at your favorite restaurant. The photos revealed that, besides the fact that your best friend is now dating your high school crush, they had invited your little sister along, whom you haven’t seen since August and has grown several inches.

You smiled and listened politely Sunday night as everyone shared fantastical stories of vacation revelries, but you secretly cursed them for having the ambition to try something new.

Your only solace is the fact that Thanksgiving break is only several weeks away and that means all of these jerks will have just a boring time as you always do while they help bake the stuffing and describe to each individual member of the family all the exciting things they’ve done during the semester.