The first few weeks of college are a formative, albeit stressful, experience. Freshmen have already taken their first round of exams and begun to come into their own as adults. But with Family Weekend looming near, freshmen like Dan Homebody are nervous about balancing their family lives with their college lives.

“I hope Mother doesn’t expect me to be the same little boy I was eight weeks ago,” Homebody said. “College has changed me. I know who I am now.”

Learning by necessity, Homebody has become well versed in such collegiate arts as spinning elaborate webs of lies to get extensions on papers, as well as spinning elaborate webs of lies to avoid relationships with drunken hookups. Homebody fears that his family just won’t understand the person he’s become.

“I’m also concerned that they won’t understand this septum piercing or why I’ve shaved all of my hair except for my bangs, which I’ve dyed green,” Homebody said. “I know they’ll just make a big deal out of these superficial changes to cover up the fact that they can’t cope with my growth as an individual.” He then added, “I am a man now.”

One of the adult decisions Homebody has made is choosing which subject to major in. He entered school as an exploratory student but after a week declared a major in his true passion, philosophy. In the following weeks, he proceeded to switch his major to his other true passion, journalism. The next few weeks included trips to the Office of the Registrar to switch to art history, personal training, theater arts management and then, finally, music performance with a concentration in bassoon studies.

“I’ve put all of that behind me now,” said Homebody. “My extra-true passion is Planned Studies, which I am currently planning.”

Homebody intends to set up firm ground rules for his family’s visit. “Mother will be limited to three-second-long hugs, and Father is not to pat my back all buddy-buddy-like. Most important, however, is that they seal Grandmother’s fudge-nut cookies in an airtight container, which I can later open in the comfort of my own room and whimper softly.”

He does realize, however, that Family Weekend isn’t just about the students, but the students’ parents as well and that he should try to include them in his new life, no matter how he’s changed.

“I figure right after I take them to my favorite tattoo parlor, I’ll let them take me to Applebee’s, and if they can’t handle that, then it’s their problem,” Homebody said. “Or, we can go to Chili’s, provided they still have that strawberry lemonade.”