The decision to become a professor isn’t a decision anyone makes with ease. Typically, professors experience dull lives and receive little or no thanks from the snotty brats they teach.

A recent study, however, suggests that there is a way to turn all of that around.

The study, conducted by the Ithaca College Sciencey-stuff Club (ICSC) or something, shows that a professor’s overall worth can be dramatically increased by being really, really cool.

Head of ICSC, Carl Slackerton, identifies several ways by which a professor could increase his overall worth as a citizen of the world.

“First, he should never assign homework — like, ever. But if he must, then it definitely should not be an assignment to write a stupid 10-page paper over Thanksgiving break,” says Slackerton. “Oh, wait — it’s almost break, isn’t it? A cool professor would have definitely canceled class today.”

The very scientific study suggests that, upon being cool, professors will experience immediate benefits.

“Professors who decide to finally chill out should find that they will be able to sleep at night,” Slackerton says. “It’s a well-known fact that mean people can’t sleep because they have no souls.”

Though the study has yet to find conclusive evidence that being cool has long-term effects on professors’ health, the data does indicate that such a life change could result in any number of desired outcomes, such as lower cholesterol and blood pressure, more regular bowel movements, an increased sex drive and the ability to finally send that damn book off to the publisher.

Several Ithaca professors have already embraced the cool lifestyle. One professor, Bob, who  has chosen to remain anonymous, will not hold a traditional class on Friday but is instead offering an optional research period.

“I’ve been working these kids hard all semester and I think they deserve an extra little break,” said Professor Bob, whose wife loves him now more than ever.

“Who knows? That extra day of Thanksgiving break could make all the difference for them — and me.”

Slackerton says, that despite the obvious validity of the study, most professors are having a difficult time giving up being big jerks.

“An overwhelming percentage of professors, probably 99 percent, still think it’s okay to assign students homework like reading and thinking over Thanksgiving break,” Slackerton said. “What exactly do they think we’re paying them for?”