Transfer student Eddy Highbrow is a man with one mission: to get tickets to the Cortaca Jug at any cost.

Scheduled for Saturday, Cortaca Jug is the annual football game between athletic rival schools SUNY-Cortland and Ithaca College — the most famous match-up in Division-III. Tickets for the event sold out early last week at both Cortland and Ithaca, leaving many fans out of the biggest sporting event of the season.

“I’ve just been pulling my hair out,” said Highbrow. “What will I do without football?”

Highbrow, a member of the chess club and singer in a campus choir, has never before attended a live sporting event at Ithaca College — or anywhere else. Several of his closest friends report he goes to extreme measures to avoid watching sports on television or even walking through the sporting goods department at Target.

Nevertheless, Highbrow is determined to make it to Cortaca.

“It’s the Cortaca Jug. Doesn’t that sound like something I should probably care about?” Highbrow asked. “I want to be there. Well, I assume I want to be there for the first serve, you know? I’ve been told there’s nothing like the sound of the ole’ lambskin being tossed back and forth.”

For the past several days, Highbrow has frequented the lobbies of campus buildings, accosting students and offering them “a fair price” for their Cortaca Jug tickets — up to $700. He has also posted fliers in dorm bathrooms and taken out a 30-second commercial spot on the local public access channel.

“Football! Football! American Football!” chants Highbrow, painted from head to toe in blue and gold during the advertisement.

Despite not having received a response yet and being so close to the date of the event, Highbrow is certain his week-long Bomber fanaticism will be rewarded.

“I went to the Bookstore and bought everything with the Bomber logo on it,” Highbrow said. “Sweatshirts, pens, boxers — even this nifty leather football mitt. When I sit down on those football stools with all the other fans this Saturday, I want everyone to know what a real Bomber fan looks like.”

Regardless of whether or not he finds a ticket to the game, Highbrow intends to host a Cortaca party at his residence that evening. Like any true Bomber fan, he has hired a string-quartet to perform live, and will serve light hors d’oeuvres.

“If I want to fit in, I need to pretend to care about Ithaca football on this one day just as much as everyone else pretends to,” he said.