From the lush gardens of the quads to the fertile minds of America’s best, Ithaca College is an oasis of prosperity. But beneath that beauty lays a murderous and powerful secret.

The guarded secret, an ancient being of unimaginable evil with the power to grant wishes in exchange for a sacrifice, has been entrusted to the seven presidents.

“I am the First Spawn of Creation,” said the ancient being. “I am Darkness Eternal. I am Arbiter to Humanity. But with your feeble mortal tongues, you may call me Glen.”

Most students are familiar with Glen as the metallic statue atop Textor Hall. For years, it has served as the subject of photo projects or a place for students to lounge around and smoke clove cigarettes. It has been speculated by many that the object is supposed to be a fish or maybe a bird, but so far no theories have touched on the truth that the statue is actually evil incarnate.

“My tale begins at the end of the last ice age as the mighty glaciers carved deep into the earth and woke me from my slumber,” explained Glen. “And then I lay in wait, eager to feed.

Ten thousand years later, the struggling musician William Grant Egbert stumbled upon Glen while hiking in the forest.

“I brought success to your William Grant Egbert’s small music conservatory, granted George Williams a full college charter and provided Leonard Job with the money to escape bankruptcy,” Glen said. “And when their wishes were delivered, I demanded my payment: their undying souls.”

Glen takes credit for allowing Howard Dillingham to erect a South Hill campus, helping Ellis Philips Jr. expand internship programs and assisting James Whalen to construct residence halls.

“And just as their vitality and drive nourished this educational facility, their life force now contributes to my awesome strength,” Glen said.

 This information sheds new light on the success of President Peggy R. Williams’ institutional plan to increase diversity and strengthen academic programs.

“Peggy R. Williams will give herself up willingly to my ravenous jaws,” said Glen. “But, my hunger is great, and I now require the sustenance of one Arthur Ostrander and Howard Erlich.”

As Ithaca College waves a final farewell to a president and two deans, Glen has turned his attention to Thomas Rochon, who has recently been named the eighth president of Ithaca College.

“He appears to be robust, his thighs meaty and full of protein,” he said. “But will he match up to the full-bodied taste of an Egbert or the decadent flavor of a Whalen? I eagerly await the answer.”