There are many collegiate characters who leave an indelible mark on all our lives — Hot Card-Swiper Girl, Over-Zealous SASP Officer, Condescending Maintenance Man to name just a few — but there is one whose influence outshines all the rest. He is, of course, That Guy.

 

In honor of the That Guys who have touched us all in some way, this Saturday will mark the first centennial That Guy Festival.

“I promise it’s going to be a really chill get-together,” said President of That Guy Fraternity, MuMuMu, who goes only by the nickname “Fergus.”

“Do you think you’ll come? Can you tell me right now if you’ll come or not? I need to make sure I’ll have enough napkins.”

The festival will definitely, probably, maybe take place in Emerson Suites, but there is a slight chance it may have to be moved to the off-campus residence of this guy who used to go here but had to drop out because of stupid family stuff but who Fergus swears is totally, completely chill.

“For years, the That Guys of this campus have stared at you in class even when you are looking, struck up conversations about personal problems you’ve never mentioned to them and shown an all-together lack of ability to function in a social environment,” Fergus said. “And now the time has come to do just this one little, simple thing for us.”

He then added, “C’mon.”

The brothers of MuMuMu will be providing the entertainment for the festival, including a kissing booth where it doesn’t matter that you’re kind of seeing someone because you’re not married or anything, a tuba-banjo-xylophone trio and a viewing of this great new movie they just bought, “Garden State.”

“We’re actually still looking for someone to sit in the dunk tank,” Fergus said. “Hey, are you busy on Saturday? Are you sure? You can’t be busy all day.”

The highlight of the event will be an activity in which everyone writes down their schedules for the next four months and puts them into a hat. The brothers will divide and memorize the information and assign each guest That Guy.

“Our main goal is to serve the community,” Fergus said. “And what better way to make our commitment to community service known than to show up at all your club meetings or invite ourselves to your parties and stand right outside of your conversations?”

Fergus urged anyone who needs directions or knows if there’s anything good going on later not to hesitate to give him a call.

“No, I’m pretty sure I gave you my number,” he said. “Well, anyway, I have yours.”