More than four years ago, incoming freshman Rich Von Wrinkle fell into a deep coma after eating one-too-many Easy Macs. Last week, he miraculously awoke.

“I can’t believe it,” said Von Wrinkle. “Why didn’t I at least order out or something?”

The college will allow Von Wrinkle to graduate with an honorary degree this May but, with only a matter of weeks left until graduation, Von Wrinkle is determined to live out the entirety of the college experience.

“How do you measure a college career?” he mused. “In daylights? In sunsets?”

Students from all over the nation have written in to answer Von Wrinkle’s existential quandary.

“According to the nation, I’ve missed out on a lot of drinking,” he said. “Think a 30-rack will be enough? Better make it two.”

Upon suggestion, Von Wrinkle has scheduled a trip to Canada, during which he’s rigged his car to breakdown in the middle of nowhere, and he also plans to drive to New York City to see a concert but will instead get lost and end up somewhere in New Jersey.

“I hear driving through Jersey is something everyone should do once — and only once because I also hear it’s f-ing terrible there.”

He plans to spend the weekend party-hopping with the hopes of vomiting on a stranger’s couch, getting detained by the police, being rushed to the emergency room, ending up at a creepy townie’s apartment, picking a fight with a much larger man and drunk-dialing his grandmother.

“If there’s time, I’ll run into the hot friend I’ve always had feelings for so I can make a clumsy pass at her and ruin our friendship.”

Others have suggested he go for wildly eccentric feats. Ideas range from using a ladder to spy on topless sorority girls to helping a group of nerds throw an epic party thereby humiliating an Arian jock.

One letter detailed the slapstick adventures Von Wrinkle could have if he took a road trip to Texas with a group of friends in order to retrieve a sex tape he’d accidentally mailed to his girlfriend.

“This can’t be what everyone has been doing while I was asleep,” he said. “It’s just not plausible.”

Despite the support of friends and family, Von Wrinkle still has many questions.

“How did Journey become popular again?” asked Von Wrinkle. “And why did Fox cancel Arrested Development?”

Nevertheless, Von Wrinkle is as excited as any graduating senior to move onto the next stage in life.

 “I can wait tables at T.G.I. Fridays, or become an assistant manager at JC Penny,” said Von Wrinkle. “Now that I have my BA, the sky’s the limit.”