The Big Spoon’s 4 1/2-hour journey through celebrity self-love
My first official Oscars experience was relatively painless. I’ve never simultaneously watched TV and typed on the computer for four and a half hours before, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every minute of it. From adorable little kids (Will Smith’s son can’t read…and I love him for it) to bitter, over-acting divas (*cough*Beyonc?) it was a night I won’t soon forget. And hey, in case I do forget, I’ve got all my thoughts right down here. Click on the link below to hop into my head and follow my bizarre journey through the 2007 Academy Awards.
7:40 p.m. I’m not going to lie. I kind of haven’t seen most of the movies nominated this year, but that won’t stop me from enjoying myself. I wasn’t sure whether I should be watching the Red Carpet coverage on E! or Barbara Walters’ special on ABC, so I’m kind of flipping my way through both. So far on the ABC special, I’ve heard Helen Mirren talk about her “large bottom” and how she wouldn’t mind taking her clothes off for another movie. So hot.
7:46 p.m. Watching Ryan Seacrest talk to people makes me miss Joan Rivers.
7:48 p.m. Nicole Kidman’s dress has this big red bow that goes over her shoulder. She looks like a Christmas present.
7:50 p.m. I don’t know why Ryan Seacrest pretends he’s not gay. When talking to Queen Latifah, he referred to Ellen DeGeneres as a “mutual friend” and then he asked her who she’s wearing. Queen Latifah is apparently adopting children, by the way. Oh man, this news be breakin’.
7:53 p.m. Wait! Aah! I just switched back to ABC and Eddie Murphy was like crying and he made them go to a commercial. I don’t know if that was a joke or not. I really need to invest in a TV that has picture-in-picture.
7:59 p.m. They just played a Geico commercial with the cavemen. I think it’d be funny to see a commercial where they hunt, cook and then eat the Afflack duck.
8:02 p.m. Hahaha, Nicole Kidman is a GIANT. And is it bad of me that I’m not at all into Jennifer Hudson?
8:10 p.m. They just showed a shampoo commercial with Heather Locklear and she was like “Isn’t tonight glamorous?” …I feel like that’s a cruel joke. Was Heather Locklear even invited to the Oscars?
8:15 p.m. This guy just reminded Cameron Diaz that “so many of her colleagues are nominated” and then asked her “How will you ever root for all of these people?” Is he TRYING to remind her that she’ll never be nominated for one of these?
8:20 p.m. Who is this GIANT purple man interviewing all these people? He’s awfully jolly, but his lisp is too much to handle. I can’t even understand what he’s saying sometimes.
8:36 p.m. I’m all for dramatics, but between the music and the announcer and the hugs … these people LOVE themselves. And the show hasn’t even started yet!
8:37 p.m. Haha, did you see Clint Eastwood’s face? I don’t think he likes Ellen very much.
8:43 p.m. Ellen wants to express her appreciation for diversity, so she pulls out a big gospel number? Good because that’s not AT ALL stereotypical.
8:45 p.m. Haha! Nicole Kidman just said “Dream Gwerls!” Silly Christmas present.
8:47 p.m. Yay, “Pan’s Labyrinth” won for art direction! When that guy got his face pounded in by a glass bottle, I almost lost it right there in the theater. I’m so glad they give awards for things like that 
8:50 p.m. Don LaFontaine! I’m so glad they show the announcer’s face now. I don’t know who that woman next to him was, though. A lady friend, perhaps? Mr. LaFontaine, you animal!
8:54 p.m. JACK BLACK AND WILL FERRELL ARE DOING A DUET RIGHT NOW!!! Is this really happening?! … AND JOHN C. REILLY! This is incredible. …And I don’t know why, but I like Helen Mirren now. Thank you, boys. You’ve changed me.
8:57 p.m. Wait… “Click” was nominated for an OSCAR?! …Oh, thank God. “Pan’s Labyrinth” won.
9:00 p.m. Holy crap. These little kids are adorable. And of course they’re presenting for animated short. Because they’re animated. And short.
9:04 p.m. Haha, Will Smith’s son can’t read. That’s even MORE adorable. And kind of sad.
9:14 p.m. Crap!! I was in the bathroom and apparently I missed “the coolest thing ever.” Some sort of sound-effect concert? Oh man, why am I always in the bathroom whenever anything cool happens?!?!
9:17 p.m. JESSICA BIEL! Haha, oh man. She could give Nicole Kidman a run for her manly money. I’ve loved her ever since she was a wee little Camden.
9:22 p.m. Ooh, best supporting actor! Best supporting actor! We’re finally at the real awards. … YAY! Alan Arkin!! Oh man……wait, what is this music in the background? Am I watching Indiana Jones? ..aww, that was a nice speech. Oh, and the Indiana Jones music is back.
9:26 p.m. Palobalus (I won’t even try to spell that) is awesome. They just took people and turned them into penguins! I’m seriously thinking of quitting my job at The Ithacan and joining their tribe.
9:31 p.m. I know Randy Newman is talented…but after they made fun of him on that episode of “Family Guy,” I can’t look at him the same. … Haha, oh now it’s Melissa Etheridge. And they have words on the screen, telling me all the things I’m doing that contributes to the death of our planet. Hey, Melissa Etheridge kind of looks like a penguin if you look at her face real close.
9:36 p.m. Haha, Leonardo DiCaprio just said that Al Gore is an inspirational leader in the fight against “globert warming.” Did he mean to say “yogurt warming?” Because I too hate when my yogurt is anything higher than room temperature. Fight on, Al.
9:43 p.m. Abigail Breslin looks REALLY excited to see the penguins from “Happy Feet” in the audience. Someone needs to tell her they aren’t real. It’ll take some of the shock away when her parents break the news about Santa Claus.
9:52 p.m. I never actually saw “Notes on a Scandal,” but I just saw Judi Dench puttin’ the moves on Cate Blanchett. I’m SOLD. When does that DVD come out? I don’t even care that it didn’t win.
10:03 p.m. I changed my mind. I don’t want to be a part of that dancing troupe. I’d much rather quit my job and become a model for the live Oscar tableaus. I’d mike a damn fine Jimmy Early.
10:21 p.m. Oh, I’m sorry. Is “Pirates of the Caribbean” nominated for Best Visual Effects or Most Unnecessary Visual Effects? Because that octupus head just weirded the hell out of me.
10:22 p.m. Oh, “Pirates” won. Touche, octopus head.
10:31 p.m. I really wanted “Pan’s Labyrinth” to win best foreign film. Probably because it’s the only foreign film I’ve seen in the past 2 years. I’m uncultured.
10:33 p.m. Aaah! The dance troupe just did “Snakes on a Plane!” I’m officially switching back.
10:34 p.m. BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS TIME! If it’s Jennifer Hudson, I might die inside. I’m rooting for the cute little Troll doll from “Little Miss Sunshine.”
10:35 p.m. *Andy Swift is dead inside.* *And somewhere, Dakota Fanning is cackling ferociously.*
10:37 p.m. *Andy Swift was revived when he saw Beyonce’s HATEFUL glance at Jennifer Hudson.* Those fake tears didn’t fool anyone, B.
10:50 p.m. Wow. I got scared when I looked up at the TV. It’s just Clint Eastwood, but you’ll have to understand, I mistook him for DEATH. But I’m enjoying watching him trip over his words and squint to see the teleprompter. … I also got distracted and missed “An Inconvenient Truth” winning best documentary feature. But I’m sure Al Gore talked about global warming and then looked at himself naked in a mirror like he always does.
10:55 p.m. I just made everyone in the room quiet down. Celine Dion has taken the stage. I think Celine looks really good for her age, or as my friend just said “from the neck down, she looks DAMN good.” She actually kind of looks like an old, Canadian version of Jennifer Aniston.
11:01 p.m. Clint Eastwood, if you’re reading this, stop. Just stop. You are the world’s worst translator. And your face is scaring Abigail Breslin.
11:03 p.m. Yes!! It’s the Superbowl commercial with the suicidal machine. I think they should have used Celine Dion’s rendition of “All By Myself.” It’d be a nice little Oscars tie-in. … wait, he didn’t kill himself this time! Damn you, FCC!
11:11 p.m. Okay, this guy is talking too fast. My ears stopped working. Now I’m just wondering if they’re going to show Anna Nicole Smith on the montage of celebrities that have died in the past year.
11:14 p.m. I didn’t see “The Queen” either, but after seeing the undeniable chemistry between Helen Mirren and that deer, I think they could make a sequel, purely about their beautifully torrid affair.
11:17 p.m. I’m really looking forward to Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson performing their songs from “Dreamgirls.” I wonder if they’ll find a way to work Jay-Z into it. REMIX!
11:21 p.m. Holy hips, Batman! Jennifer Hudson is all over that stage. And please note that one of the trumpeters looks like Carlton from “The Fresh Prince.” My friend just pointed out that she thought she saw a little somethin-somethin popping out of Jennifer Hudson’s dress. Nipplegate part two??
11:24 p.m. Beyonce is going a little over the top. Is someone trying to make the Academy feel bad for not nominating her? And why are these girls still singing? When’s the fighting going to start?! We paid for blood!
11:27 p.m. Wow. ANOTHER gospel choir? Not necessary. And neither are those lights. Everyone in the audience was just BLINDED.
11:30 p.m. I love how “Dreamgirls” was nominated for 3 of its songs, and STILL didn’t win. Melissa Etheridge…hmm…did Ellen have a hand in that one? Wait, she just thanked Al Gore. Shouldn’t they ALL be thanking global warming for giving them something to bitch about?
11:45 p.m. The montage is starting…but I was just told that Anna Nicole didn’t die soon enough to make the cutoff. Maybe next year, shweetheart.
11:52 p.m. Is Ellen wearing pajamas?
11:55 p.m. I guess we all knew Helen Mirren would win for Best Actress. The other nominees clapped in approval…except for Judi Dench. I know it was only a photo of her, but couldn’t they have thrown in some archive footage of her clapping from a movie or something? Such a terrifying woman.
11:56 p.m. Dear Helen Mirren, don’t ever say “I give you the queen” unless you actually plan on having her come out to say hi. I was really excited. I expect a written letter of apology or, at the very least, a blog comment. Thanks.
12:02 a.m. I hope Leonardo DiCaprio wins the Oscar for Worst South African Accent. And Peter O’Toole can win Best Pedophile.
12:06 a.m. ...Can someone cue the music please? I’d seriously rather watch Al Gore make out with himself right now.
12:08 a.m. I wish I actually cared that Martin Scorcese won this award. But I can’t bring myself to do it. …Wait, he has a 7 year old daughter? I knew he had a young wife, but I didn’t think he was still potent.
12:13 a.m. Haha, I didn’t know people sat there holding their awards. I was kind of hoping Helen Mirren would be holding hers in some sort of phallic position. But no. It was above the chest.
12:15 a.m. Okay, I’m a little disappointed that “The Departed” won. But I am glad I got to see Jack Nicholson go up on stage so we could get a nice shot of his unfathomably bald head.
12:18 a.m. And on that note, I’m off to bed. I guess it’s good to admit now that this is the first time I’ve watched an entire Academy Award ceremony. I plan on checking out a few more in the future. Thank you to my friend who let me use her internet connection, her roommate who let me use her TV and the mini-fridge that fed my tummy.
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So helpful already andy… I was watching the Barbara Walters special, but only because I didn’t realized there was an E! red carpet special … you saved my night.
Eddie just broke down after realizing he went from an Academy Award Nomination to making Norbit in less than a year. Or maybe he was just reminded of that, ahem, incident with the hooker.
I suppose it’s inevitable that Click will now be released in a four-disc extended edition Academy Awards Edition DVD now. Oh, the humanity!
“And of course they?re presenting for animated short. Because they?re animated. And short.”
Swift, you are hilarious.
hahahaha — I made the same observation about Randy Newman…
http://mkp-hearts-nyc.livejournal.com...
Also, the sound effects choir was seriously awesome! And you forgot to mention James McAvoy…I want to keep him at my house. It’ll be just like in the Last King of Scotland. Except he’ll be in love with me and there’ll be less carnage.
I am also dead inside. We should have a party.
You and Beyonce are on First Initial terms now?
I like how Abigal Breslin was just…trying to stay awake.
nice work so far.
“from ‘Volver,’ penelope cruz and the Volver-ine himself, hugh jackman.”
best line ever.
can i just say that reading this blog is keeping me thoroughly entertained. props for the reference to ‘nipplegate’
nice coverage. but i was waiting for you to make the jack-nicholson-britney spears-shaved head conspiracy connection…