Carson Daly abuses an IC grad
Okay, it’s not everyday I say “funny” and “Carson Daly” in the same sentence, unless of course I include “is not” somewhere in there. But I make an exception in this case. It’s a clip from a recent episode of Carson’s latenight talk show, and it features Ithaca College alumnus Will Lerner. He graduated last year, and now he’s a production intern on the show. (You can stop watching after about a minute. Once it stops being about Ithaca and starts being about Carson, it all goes downhill).
It’s always good to see an alum doing something cool. But the bigger issue here is Carson’s physical appearance. Seriously, when did he start the Jack Skellington diet? He’s still a doofus, but now he’s emaciated. I miss chubby Carson. It fit his personality better.I haven’t seen weight fluctuation this bad since Matthew Perry got really skinny between seasons 6 and 7 of “Friends.” And that was all because of Matthew’s stint in rehab. Since I’m a licensed detective, the comparison is clear to me. Carson Daly is clearly on drugs. Also, he sells his leftovers to children and immigrants. Seems perfectly logical to me.
Please enjoy this sneezing baby panda
In case you were wondering what a sneezing panda looks/sounds like, I’ve got your answer right here. This video is really helping me get over the loss of Anna Nicole Smith. It’s adorable, it’s hilarious and I promise it’ll be 14 seconds of your life well spent. Please take note of how the mom FLIPS OUT when the baby sneezes.
?No, God. Don’t take Anna Nicole. Take me instead!
I don’t want to be like all the other blogs who are reporting about Anna Nicole Smith’s death. So I’ll report something else. Anna Nicole Smith is alive! She’s alive and she’s pregnant and she’s drunk!
…who am I kidding? Stage 1: denial.
I miss her already :’(
Who could ever replace her? Who will do a bunch of drugs and then go on national television to present an award, slurring their words and falling all over themself? Who will announce their pregnancy (and mystery father) on their Web site?
Fine, Death. You’ve won…for now.
The best things in life are two-faced
A few days ago, I read a really sad story about a baby cow named Star that was born with two-faces and then died. It really got to me, how the farmer and his family had grown attached to her and even, perhaps, loved her? But more importantly, it made me realize something profound… I love animals that are born with two faces!
Seriously, it’s like a weird fascination of mine that I’m only now discovering. I love them, and I love their two faces. I also love the weird names they’re given. The calf’s name was Star, and then there was a two-faced kitten I found online named Gemini. Clearly, an animal with two faces is a blessing from the heavens.
Here are some more animals I was able to locate that had two faces…before they died.
I like to imagine that each head has its own soul, and that there are really two animals living within one. Then the two heads can fall in love and end up happily ever after. Unless, of course, they fall out of love and want to break up. That could get awkward. And pretty messy.
Crappily ever after
“Cinderella III: A Twist In Time” was released on DVD yesterday, and my inner 5 year old couldn’t resist checking it out. The original sequel, “Cinderella II: Dreams Come True,” (and I’m not exaggerating) was the worst thing ever made. Not just the worst movie. The worst THING. Ever. So naturally, I didn’t have high hopes for this third installment, especially considering the storyline revolves around - get this - time travel. Still, I gave it the benefit of the doubt and decided to make my own decision.
The movie picks up exactly one year after Cinderella marries the prince. Their marriage is strong, her step family is miserable, and Cinderella is STILL spending all her time with birds and mice. Were people not educated on the dangers of Rabies back then?
I don’t want to give too much away (cause, you know, it’s a real edge-of-your-seat thriller) so I’ll just voice my biggest concern: Why is no one at all surprised by anything in this movie?
- When the wicked stepmother finds out about Cinderella using magic to get the prince, she says, “So this is how she did it. What delicious irony!” For the record, there’s nothing ironic about that situation. At all. And couldn’t she have at least pretended to be shocked by the existence of magic? No. She just picked up that wand and cast a spell, calling on “all the forces of the universe” without even hesitating. She’s got balls, I’ll give her that.
- Later on, Jack and Gus (the possibly diseased mice dressed like people) tell the prince that he is under a spell. He doesn’t seem at all confused that mice are talking to him. Oh, sorry, did I say talking? I meant singing. If two clothed mice came up to me and started singing, I think I’d crap myself out of fear and confusion.
The rest of the movie actually played out more like a soap opera than a Disney movie. Everyone was either whispering in a corner, stealing someone’s identity, or scheming to get someone to fall in love with them. Maybe the franchise will get even soapier from here on in. “Cinderella IV: The Magical Paternity Test,” anyone? Now THAT’S delicious.
The first ever Monthly Spoon!
Believe it or not, this handsome blog you’re reading was not the first to name itself “The Big Spoon.” In fact, there are probably dozens of Big Spoons out there, and I feel a certain unspoken, tribal connection to them. Therefore, I’m instituting The Monthly Spoon. On the first Monday of each month (starting tonight), I’m going to put the spotlight on one of these other Big Spoons. And clearly they’re all worth checking out. With a name like Big Spoon, how could they not all end up on top? (um…)
My very first choice for Monthly Spoon is a six-man funk, soul, motown, and blues rock covers band from Ireland. That’s right, Ireland. Slowly but surely, Big Spoons are taking over the world.
The band’s Web site says that lead singer Richard Finnegan has “several ridiculous and sometimes outright scary pimp suits and hats.” Guitarist George Keys (another favorite of mine) is suppsedly responsible for adding “the porn element” to the band’s music. I don’t even care what that means. I just love him for doing it.
I raise my spoon to you, gentlemen. Play on.
Quit pressuring me, Potter!
Ten years ago, I walked into the book fair during my first week of middle school and was immediately interested in this relatively unknown book titled “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” Sadly, my nine-year-old self forgot to ask my parents for money that morning, so I wrote the book title down in my notebook. My parents thought the book sounded silly (and trust me, I was a weird enough little kid already) so they said I should go back and look around for something else. I thank them to this very day.
At first, I felt like the odd kid out. It seemed like I was the only one not swept up in the craze, like I was missing out on something epic. I didn’t know what the word “muggle” meant, except that it was the name kids at school called me while they threw garbage at my face during lunch.
But years later, I’ve grown strong. I’ve never read the books, and I’ve only seen the first movie. Honestly, it was a little long. And all it did was remind me that I can’t fly on a broomstick. I get enough ridicule in my life and I don’t need common household items mocking me too.
Not only am I proud to be among the .01% of the world to have never read Harry Potter, but I’ve also decided to expose the wizard for who he truly is. I’ll start my own book series. For the first, I’m thinking something like…
And don’t try and tell me you wouldn’t read it.
Reality shows always end in divorce
Bam Margera and his fiancee, Missy Rothstein, have decided to turn their engagement into a reality show on MTV called “Bam’s Unholy Union.” First off, congrats to the clever little couple on coming up with an original idea. Seriously, this has never been done before.
Secondly, do people EVER learn? If you try to flaunt your love on a reality show, you will always end up getting divorced. It’s science. Gather around for today’s history lesson, kids.
- Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (”Newlyweds”)
- Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro (”Til Death Do Us Part”)
- Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler (”Meet the Barkers”)
- Britney Spears and Kevin Federline (”Chaotic”)
- Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson (”Strange Love”) … okay, maybe that one was doomed from the start.
Listen up, world. I’m calling this one right now. Like all these examples, this coupling probably won’t last much longer than its show. But hopefully Bam and “Missy” (classy name, by the way) will wise up and become the first celebrity couple to have its own MTV reality divorce show. I know I’d watch.
“Bam’s Unholy Union” airs Tuesdays at 9:30 p.m. on MTV. But what’s the point of watching, anyway?
Professor Longhair: the man, the music, the ghost
Ithacan Advisor Michael Serino pointed something out to me today. Professor Longhair (the ghost I mentioned in one of yesterday’s posts) was actually an influential blues/R&B musician in New Orleans before he died in 1980, and not just the absurdly-named spirit I had him pegged as. Oh man, I’m only on my fifth post, and already I’ve had to write a retraction. Sweet.I’m glad I found this out, because I ended up looking into him online and it turns out he’s even more insane than I could have possibly imagined. Check out this video of him jammin’ on his piano and spouting crazy jibberish. Just look at him go!!!
?So there you have it, errbody. Professor Longhair (may he rest in peace and not haunt me) was a famous blues/R&B musician. And I am a professor of being an idiot.Nebraska: home of the urine burglar
Let’s see, so far I’ve covered alcohol and ghosts. So what’s next? Bizarre news from the world of bodily fluids! (Duh).
A 36-year-old man in Omaha named Kevin Oliver reportedly pretended to work for T-Mobile, lured women into fake job interviews and took urine samples from them. Once police became aware of what was going on, they arrested him, sentencing him to eight days in prison and 18 months on probation. But even after extensive investigations, police still weren’t able to figure out what he was planning on doing with the samples.
Word of advice though: If you pass his house and see a little girl selling lemonade on the front lawn, just keep driving. No matter how tempting her prices are.
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