Disney pop stars make it cool to be Christian
While some of Disney’s creations are gracing the tabloids by showing off their hoo-hahs and posing naked in New York Magazine (Lindsay Lohan, you are a freckly disaster)… the new generation of Mouseketeers are taking a different route.
Miley Cyrus: In an interview with Barbara Walters (the full version will air as part of her pre-Oscars special on Sunday), “Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus said she could never survive without her Christian family.
Some people don’t have a family to fall back on like I have, and that’s when something even greater than that comes in, and that’s faith.
Interesting. … Also, watch the video and tell me if Barbara Walters has always been this weird. I never realized it, but Rachel Dratch’s impression of her on “SNL” and “30 Rock” is spot on.
Jonas Brothers: Virgins 4ever! In an interview with Details, all three of the Jonas Brothers said that they’ve decided to wait until marriage to do the nasty. They even have their own customized purity rings. Kevin, 20, got his from Tiffany’s; Joe’s, 18, is silver and has a cross on it, which he says is “so rock ‘n’ roll”; and Nick, 15, had his custom-made at Disney World.
Made at Disney World, eh? I knew the Mouse was behind this!
Naked guy in minivan touches himself, terrorizes children
How come I never had this kind of weird field trip experience when I was little? All my class ever did was go to Sturbridge Village and gawk at old people wearing bonnets.
Long story short: A group of fourth-graders in Illinois were on their way to see a play, when a minivan pulled alongside their bus. The driver was totally naked and totally masturbating.
Besides the general hilarity of the situation, it’s also worth noting how the article begins:
Police say fourth-graders received an unwanted anatomy lesson during a field trip Thursday.
There was probably a wink and some nudges — off the record, of course. Oh, Illinois police, you slay me!
(Side note: This photo has nothing to do with the story. I’m just amused to no end by children dressed like big people).
Mr. T pities the fool who hates on the ‘hawk
Laurence “Mr. T” Tureaud is a legend in his own mind — and in our hearts. We love him for his no-nonsense ‘jibba-jabba’ and general zest for life. But we also love him for sporting that bad-ass mohawk. Apparently over the years, producers have told Mr. T he’d get a lot more offers if he axed the ‘hawk. And this was his response:
If I changed my hair, I wouldn’t be who I am. You see Frank Sinatra sang my song ‘My Way.’ I’m not wishy washy. I ain’t changing with no styles.
The Mr. T school of defense: When anyone questions your actions, compare yourself to Frank Sinatra. Because no one would dare doubt old Blue Eyes.
(Also: How much do you love this stained glass Mr. T?!)
The 10 smartest show on TV, according to Mensa
The pompous brilliant minds at Mensa are apparently big couch potatoes. So much so that they decided to put together a list of what they consider to be the 10 smartest shows in TV history.
Some of their choices are hard to argue with. (I think we can all admit we feel inadequate when we watch “Frasier”). But every now and then Mensa throws us a curve ball, like “All in the Family.” I’m pretty sure they got ‘racist’ confused with ’smart.’ Although Archie Bunker would say they go hand in hand.
Regardless, it’s obvious that the list would have looked very different if I had put it together. First, we all know I only make lists of five. And secondly, where the heck is “Bill Nye the Science Guy”?! I’ve got a bone to pick with you, Mensa!
Angela Lansbury is the sexiest woman alive
The following video is completely disturbing — and somehow equally arousing.
It’s everyone’s favorite teapot Angela Lansbury talking like Bea Arthur… and giving herself a massage… wearing a towel. Say what you will about her relaxation methods, but this lady’s got a great set of legs.
Thanks, Doug, for this wonderful gift.
‘Cloverfield’ monster toy is terrifying(ly expensive)
Good news for anyone with $100 burning a whole in their pocket!
The first official toy of the “Cloverfield” monster is available for pre-order on the Hasbro Toys Web site. In fact, it’s only available on that Web site. The limited edition toy comes with 10 parasites (no pics yet sadly), 2 interchangeable heads (for the monster’s wide range of emotions) and it even makes sounds!
I especially like that the toy is described as having “life-like detail” … because the monster is so life-like.
From the toy chest to the big screen
Variety is reporting that Universal has inked a six-year deal with Hasbro to produce at least four movies based on the toy company’s properties. Let’s take a look at those properties and dream of the potential big screen gold.
- Monopoly: I’ve never been able to play a full game of Monopoly in under six hours, so I’m going to go ahead and say this movie would be pretty boring. On the other hand, it might be entertaining to watch a live-action thimble handle real estate business with a shoe.
- Candy Land: This would be brilliant! And I have a hunch that of all the properties on the list, this has one of the better chances of becoming a movie. Just think of it now: Dakota Fanning getting eaten by a giant, chocolate Jim Belushi. … And yes, Jim Belushi has my official endorsement to get back into the movie biz.
- Clue: This already happened — and it was hilarious. But it was made in 1985, so maybe it’s time for a remake?
- Ouija: I never understood where Hasbro got off claiming they had the power to contact the dead. Just sayin’.
- Battleship: This is so long overdue. I’m imagining the overly dramatic trailer now: “Battleship: Terror at Sea!“
- Magic, the Gathering: While I’m nerdy enough to blog on a daily basis, I was not nerdy enough to get sucked into the whole ‘trading card’ phenomenon. Still, I could see this as a movie, especially since Hollywood is still on its talking-animal/fantasy kick. Just keep Nicole Kidman and her box office poison away from this one!
- Stretch Armstrong: I could die with a smile on my face if this was made into a movie. Not to mention Hasbro would have to re-release the toys to promote the movie. Hopefully this time I wouldn’t stretch it so much that it rips. That blue goo that seeps out is most unpleasant.
A live-action ‘Dora the Explorer?’ Someone call Chris Hansen!
As if “Dora the Explorer” wasn’t annoying enough (I feel like she’s always screaming at me, and no matter how loud she becomes I still don’t understand her) … Nickelodeon has decided to produce a live-action “Dora” movie.
Nickelodeon’s president of animation, Brown Johnson, has some lofty ambitions for the film’s action:
It’s like that scene in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ with that giant boulder chasing Indiana Jones. We see Dora like that. She should have those types of adventures.
Um… what?
I think Nickelodeon owes it to us to feature Dora’s irresponsible parents — you know, the ones who let their daughter go on dangerous adventures with but a monkey for a chaperone. I’m thinking… Britney Spears and Alec Baldwin? An unfitting pair, but maybe that’s why Dora feels the need to run away from home so often.
(Note: the girl in the picture is not playing Dora in the movie. I just really like that costume).
The Big Spoon’s top 5 fictional TV bands
Hannah Montana rocks so hard that she melts the skin right off my face — I’m not denying that. But she’s hardly the first great musical act to come out of TV. I’ve put together a list of the top 5 (and by “the top 5″ I mean “my 5 favorites that are totally up for debate”). Also, if you didn’t catch my sarcasm with Hannah Montana, please stop reading. You’re not worthy.
5. The Beets (”Doug”)
With compelling songs like “Killer Tofu” and “Where’s My Sock?,” the Beets are easily the coolest thinly-veiled Beatles parodies on TV. In the good times and the bad, this foursome was there to provide a soundtrack to the lives of Bluffington’s thin-haired, green-faced youth. The band broke up in the later episodes (you know, when “Doug” moved from Nickelodeon to ABC and everyone forgot it existed), but I think it’s about time for a reunion! I’d throw a pair of my panties on stage at one of their concerts, that’s for sure.
Flavor of Lies
Say it ain’t so, Flav!
Page Six is reporting that “Flavor of Love 3″ is faker than “The Hills!” (Yeah, they actually draw that comparison).
According to the gossip rag, Flav got a woman pregnant right after season two was filmed and he decided to propose to her. He allegedly didn’t even call Deelishis after the reunion. So why do season 3?
He’d already cashed his check that VH1 gave him for season three - and the show resurrected his career. He was dead broke before, so he’s doing it for his family.
Or so Page Six is claiming. Don’t worry, Flav. We know you could never do us wrong.
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