Celine Dion is destroying the planet

I’m thirsty… and I blame Celine Dion.

According to the Palm Beach Post, Celine’s 5.7 acre home in Jupiter, Florida, uses 6.5 million gallons of water in a year. Tiger Woods’ estate came in second with 3.7 million gallons.

Seriously? 6.5 million gallons?! There’s only one possible explanation for this that I would consider acceptable… Celine Dion has constructed a to-scale model of the sinking Titanic which she uses as a concert stage for daily performances of “My Heart Will Go On.”

This probably isn’t true, but you can’t stop me from dreaming.

Stop and smell the “Weeds”

The start of summer is bittersweet for me. Sure it means warm weather and barbecues for no reason, but as a TV addict it also marks the beginning of a three-month dry spell. But just when I prepare to nosedive into a bottomless pit of TV-less depression, I remember one very special part of my life…

“Weeds”!!!

The fourth season of my favorite drug-related series (not as small a category as you might think…) premieres June 16 on Showtime and I can’t freakin’ wait. The third season ended with the burning of the Botwin’s picturesque hometown — damn you, Santa Ana winds! — and the family’s exit to a new life. Where will they sell drugs next??

Showtime has provided us with a peek at the upcoming season. Click here to check it out!

The Rosie/Fran nightmare is taking shape

A few months ago, I wrote about Rosie O’Donnell and Fran Drescher’s announcement that they were going to do a sitcom together. Apparently it wasn’t an elaborate April Fool’s joke… it’s really happening!

Drescher told Life & Style that the show, titled “The New Thirty,” will be about two women going through mid-life crises.

“We play old high school friends who live in the same building in Manhattan, but we’re living very different lives,” she said. “It’s kind of Sex and the City, but we ain’t getting any!”

Hmm… Mid-life crises? “Ain’t getting any?” Ten bucks says their characters start lezzing out as soon as the ratings go down.

Breaking news: No one watches The CW

Today’s issue of The Hollywood Reporter features a complete ratings recap of the 2007-08 TV season, and the results are… not surprising at all. Fox and ABC look to be the biggest winners, while some other networks *cough* The CW *cough* should probably just be put of their misery.

The CW’s highest-rated series were “America’s Next Top Model” (the two cycles that aired this season landed at #78 and #98 on the list) and “Smallville,” which ended up in the #113 spot. Even “Gossip Girl,” which we were led to believe was getting a lot of buzz — remember those ridiculous OMFG ads? — couldn’t make it past #129.

So which shows topped the list? “American Idol” took the top two slots with its two-night-a-week airings, followed by “Desperate Housewives” at #3, “House” at #4, and “Grey’s Anatomy” rouding out the top 5.

I was going to make a comment about how Americans apparently don’t mind watching trash as long as its cleverly-disguised… but who am I to judge anyone? My favorite TV moment in the past few weeks was watching those chicks gobble down boiled pig vaginas on “A Shot at Love.”

My dreams of a puppet-based reality show have been crushed

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Fox president of alternative entertainment Mike Darnell talked about the state of reality TV today. And along with defending the ratings decline of “American Idol,” Darnell discussed some of the craziest reality show pitches he ever heard.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… “Big Brother With Puppets.”

…half the “Big Brother” people are human and they’re competing against puppets. Week after week, the audience either votes a human out or a puppet.

Is that not the most incredible thing you’ve ever heard? Just imagine the celebrity edition! The censors would have to work overtime on the scenes with Kermit and Miss Piggy because… you know… you can’t show violent humping on network TV.

Such a shame.

Thanks to everyone who sent death threats ;)

So I realize I’ve been M.I.A. for the past week or so, but I want to let both all of my faithful readers to know that I’m back in full force. I won’t go into too much detail about my absence, but you know… life happens. And thankfully I’m not pregnant and all criminal charges have been dropped! :)

I’m completely dedicating my free time (or at least the time most of you goons are busy being productive) to the Spoon this summer, and I promise to blog more than ever.

I hope you brought a change of pants!

Remember Dunkleman?

Ryan Seacrest may be my least favorite person on this planet America’s favorite primetime host, but he wasn’t always standing solo in the spotlight. During the first season of “American Idol” (if you can even remember that far back) Seacrest co-hosted the show with the now-shell-of-a-man Brian Dunkleman.

He’s been pretty quiet since leaving/getting fired from the show, but something inside of him has snapped and he’s decided to start talking. He went on Adam Carolla’s radio show — in other news, Adam Carolla has a radio show — and told a shady story about his time on “Idol.” Dunkleman claims he was yelled at by an executive of the show when he tried to make a contestant feel better.

Finally, I just stopped and said, ?Wait a minute. Let me just get this clear. These kids come back to this couch feeling like crap. I?m supposed to make sure they continue to feel like crap?? He stuck his finger in my chest and said, ?You?re [expletive] right.? And that was day one. And I was, like, ?What did I get myself into??

This is the saddest cry for attention I’ve seen from Dunkleman since he appeared on the series finale of “Drawn Together.”

…and he didn’t even do his own voice.