A censorship slip-up of phallic proportions

Thursday night’s premiere episode of Survivor: Gabon introduced American audiences to 18 new castaways, but there was one very special guest not credited during the show’s opening sequence: contestant Marcus‘ floppy ding dong.

During the immunity and reward challenge, Marcus’ loose-fitting shorts weren’t able to keep his little buddy from popping out. It wasn’t blurred and I’m pretty sure the episode is still available to stream at CBS’ Web site. My question: Why has CBS not released a statement? I feel like full (?) frontal male exposure is less family-friendly than Janet Jackson’s little 2004 nip slip.

I won’t throw up a link to the uncensored screenshots — I’m trying to cut back on my smut peddling — but a quick Google search should appease all of your filthy curiosities.

Whether or not this evolves into a true censorship controversy, Marcus’ little pants dance is officially a part of television history. And you know how much our country loves this crap. Years from now people will still look back on Superbowl XXXVIII with tears in their eyes and say “I remember where I was during Nipplegate.”

BREAKING NEWS: Homeless man catches CB fever

Big Spoon reader (and good friend) Doug dropped me a line Thursday night with one of the most incredible things I’ve ever heard.

While walking in New York City (47th and Broadway), he spotted a homeless man hitting on an unsuspecting woman. “I love you,” the man said to her. “You’re beautiful. You make beautiful babies, no?” It seemed like a fairly normal scene on the city streets… until he walked a little closer to the odd couple and took a good look at the woman’s face.

Brace yourselves. The woman being accosted was none other than Christine Baranski.

Naturally I turned to Big Spoon Senior Analyst Christiana Ting (currently stationed in Georgia) to make sense of this absurd situation. The following is a summary of her report:

Sure, this could have just been your run-of-the-mill homeless guy hitting on a random woman as she walks by. It happens all the time. But what if there was more to the story? What if that homeless man knew exactly who Christine Baranski was? And what if he wasn’t just an ordinary homeless man? I’ll bet he once had a wife, some kids and a steady job… but lost it all when his obsession with Christine Baranski consumed his very soul. His love for her landed him on the streets. And now, when he finally gets to meet her, he’s homeless and she wants nothing to do with him. Really, this is a tale of great irony.

Thanks, Christiana.

It’s about damn time

Carson Daly, we hardly knew ye.

Earlier today, TRL executive producer Dave Sirulnick announced that the long-running MTV staple will be ending in a few months.

The music video countdown show will conclude in a two-hour special on a Saturday afternoon in November. He stressed that the show wasn’t ending for good, but felt now was the right time to give it a break after an unprecedented run on the cable music channel.

Wow, referring to TRL as an MTV staple really brings me back — you know, to the days when MTV actually played music videos. (Even if they were only shown for 30 seconds at a time).

It’s actually kind of poetic. MTV was there for the birth of music videos (Buggles’ Video Killed the Radio Star). And now, thanks to MTV, we are witnessing their death. Behold:

Rest in peace, old Facebook

The day we’ve been fearing for months has come at last.

Mark Zuckerberg and his fellow soul-suckers have officially done away with the old Facebook we knew and loved. And in its place is an unfamiliar bastard with a complicated design and a cold embrace. Wishful thinkers have already formed groups and petitions to try to undo the change — but we all know how successful those are.

I was actually on Facebook in the wee hours of the morning when the change went through. One minute I was carelessly stalking people I sort of knew, the next minute my very world was turned upside down by a sudden surge of change — it’s kind of what I think living through the Rapture will would be like.

Where is Catland?

This just in: Bulgarians are hilarious.

And all the proof I need lies within Catland, a brilliant short by Bulgarian animator Dimitriya. It’s about a cat who gets a phone call from her best friend Lea, then goes on a mind-blowing quest to find Catland, a country where every cat in the world has gone to live, for no apparent reason.

Seriously, Catland has it all: A cat riding a horse, a cat riding a bicycle — even a cat riding a train! Basically it’s like Green Eggs and Ham … but with sexy, long-legged kitties. Oh, and a disturbingly catchy song by Bulgarian composer Kiril Gerenov.

For some blasphemous reason, Catland has gotten less than 6,000 hits on YouTube despite having been uploaded back in 2006. Don’t listen to that crazy lady Sarah McLachlan — THESE cats need your help!

Whoa, guy! Where’s the prophylactic?

Why didn’t I know about this site sooner?!

“Take Care Down There” is a ridiculous Web site that aims to teach teenagers (as well as condom-haters of all ages) the importance of practicing safe sex. Created by Planned Parenthood, the site features nine skits, each one targeting a different aspect of the issue. The skits feature several “hip” teens and a crazy mustached man in a sweater who tells it like it is.

One skit, “Hot & Heavy,” teaches teenagers how to put on a condom through a series of uncomfortable drawings (seen above). “Then there’s “Let Me Do Me,” a skit about an ugly chick who enjoys lighting candles, putting on some good music and making love — to herself.

But my absolute favorite is one that really cuts to the heart of the issue — and manages to make the people at Planned Parenthood look, well, kinda racist. Here’s an excerpt:

Creepy man: Pop quiz! Who can tell me what H.P.V. stands for?
Dumb white girl: Hairy Palm Virus?
Creepy man: Wrong! How about you?
Black guy: Uh… Horse Penis Virus?
Creepy man: Come on, you guys. The horse is a majestic creature.

…Your tax dollars at work.

Who you gonna call?

With the ever-increasing wave of ’80s nostalgia — and apparent lack of creativity in Hollywood — you knew it was only a matter of time before our beloved Ghostbusters made their triumphant return to relevancy. Lowlifes and gentlescum, that time is now.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, several of The Office’s writers have been recruited to pen the script of a new Ghostbusters movie. Though the original big screen foursome may have some involvement in the new flick, the article says the actors will likely take a back seat to whichever newbies are chosen to fill their epic jumpsuits.

In honor of the boys’ possible return, can I also suggest we bring back the Ghostbusters-inspired Hi-C drink, Ecto Cooler? It was just like regular Hi-C, only it had twice as much sugar and I think it was supposed to be made of Slimer’s insides. I’m pretty sure that crap is still running through my veins like some kind of wonderful, nostalgic disease.

All awkward things must come to an end

Lovers of music and giggling were saddened yesterday with the announcement that HBO’s Flight of the Conchords may not have a third season in its future.

A recent article about the duo in British magazine Q hinted that Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement are ready to pursue other avenues, and that the juices of creativity are becoming harder to squeeze out.

McKenzie told the mag:

The second series seems to me like it would be a good end to the show. I feel like another 10 … That will be enough.

Though the second season hasn’t even been completed yet — HBO also has not confirmed when said season will air — I think it’s safe to enter a state of pre-mourning for the adventures of these two lovable goons.

Broadway isn’t ready

Over the summer I blogged about my love for Christine Baranski, and I wasn’t kidding when I warned you there would be more. She’s currently starring on Broadway in Boeing-Boeing alongside another one of my favorites, Gina Gershon (though I kind of only know her as Crystal Connor from Showgirls).

And as if that combination wasn’t enough to put me in a joyful coma, they are about to be joined by Missi Pyle! Yes, Missi Pyle. You’ve probably seen her in a million movies yet still have no idea who she is.

C.B., Missi Pyle and Crystal Connor Gina Gershon on the same stage?! If I don’t make it to a performance over Thanksgiving break, I will lose all respect for myself.

For those of you who need a little reminder of how fantastic Missi Pyle is, here is a montage of Missi photos I found on YouTube. Warning: Do not watch if the sight of a beautiful woman makes you squeamish.

(Side note: A friend of mine just read my post and said, “Christine Baranski? Wasn’t she in the Beverly Hillbillies movie?” And no, that was Lily Tomlin. He will be punished for this error).