BREAKING: College kids start the weekend on Thursday

collegeThank You, Captain Obvious: We thought it was just common knowledge that college kids don’t respect the sanctity of things like weekends and sensible bed times. As proof, please allow me to reference Animal House’s tagline here:

“We can do anything we want. We’re college students!”

However, it’s just been revealed to the adult, grown-up world (who already knew) that college students start drinking and going to the bars on Thursday, not Friday. The repercussions of this story will be far-reaching, indeed. Expect legislation any day.

Actually, let’s all be honest here, mostly we start on Wednesday (and sometimes Tuesday, if it’s a bad week). But a newspaper in Northwest Arkansas called the Morning News seems to have just caught onto this trend, publishing an article about a week ago headlined: Thursday: The New Friday? College Students Redefine When The Weekend Starts.

It just gets better from there: apparently, students skip classes on Friday in order to go out drinking on Thursday. This is a shocker.

So, in honor of this fine piece of fluff, we’re giving out our first “Most Obvious Piece Of Journalism Ever” award. Morning News, you’ve won. Keep doing what you’re doing - telling us what we already know.

BREAKING: Stabbing at Moonshadows last night

From the thank-God-we’re-home-for-Thanksgiving -department: Last night a man was stabbed multiple times at Moonshadow Tavern on the Commons. It’s a college bar (popularly called “Moonies”) that’s usually packed with Ithaca College seniors vying for pitcher tokens and having a good time with friends.

But the good times weren’t rolling last night, apparently: the victim, a 28-year-old Groton man, was stabbed in the back while in one of the bathrooms. Although he was able to walk to the stretcher he was carried out on, reports said he was bleeding “profusely.”

Two guys fled the scene before the cops arrived, so it’s anyone’s guess who did it. I think I’m going to stick to Second Floor from now on. Good thing I used up my last free pitcher token before break. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, and please, nobody do anything stupid and get stabbed, alright?