Dream Grammy Collaborations - 2008 Edition
People reported?this week that Beyonc? and Tina Turner are scheduled to?duet at this year’s Grammy Awards. While that is pleasant enough, we here at Sharp Notes have some other choice pair-ups that could send ratings of this year’s show through the roof. Here are our top 5 picks for 2008’s essential Grammy duets:
5) Avril Lavigne & Celine Dion
These Canadian heroines both new and old?would be sure to captivate crowds with their songs of hope and rad-ness. Can you imagine the grace Dion could lend to “Sk8er Boi,” or the brilliant harmonizing the two could muster on “My Heart Will Go On”? And then, if America is lucky, they could?lock lips?in a homage to the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards, when Britney, Christina and Madonna had their own unique love fest. It would inspire us to sing “O Canada” -?that’s for sure!
4) Cher & T-Pain
The connection is clear - vocoders would be nothing without this dynamic duo. Cher’s late-90’s resurgence was mostly due to the computer-enhanced warble she exhibited on her breakout “Believe,” and T-Pain has built a career off of sounding as robotic as possible. For these two, it would be appropriate to suggest a blended medley of their hits: “Do You Believe Imma Buy You A Drank?”, anyone?
3) Britney Spears & Courtney Love?
As long as plenty of underwear?is provided for this toxic duo, ratings would go through the roof! I smell a meltdown…
2) Kanye West & Cornel West
Picture this: America’s premier rapper / producer, who claims he cares about black people while primarily rhyming about bling and himself, jamming with America’s premier African American scholar, who actually does care about the struggle of the oppressed. The identically-surnamed duo would be an excellent way to silence critics who claim that rap music is indicative of African American decline, rather than?a means of?unity and education. (Or you could just have Common perform, but that wouldn’t get the same?ratings.)
1) Amy Winehouse & Jeff Conaway
The two breakout, hopelessly drug-addled stars of the last year would be a perfect match for the show. Let’s examine the facts: Winehouse was once a great singer who?made it big?in the U.S. last year, but became so burdened by drug enmeshement with her significant other that she is now a warbling mess. Conaway, who once was the popular star of screen and stage with roles ranging from Grease to Taxi,?gained noteriety?earlier this year through drug enmeshment with his significant other, and now he is a warbling mess. Need more proof? Winehouse’s signature song is titled “Rehab,”while the show that hot mess Conaway is currently on is titled Celebrity Rehab. If the two could put down the sauce long enough to belt out a rousing rendition of Winehouse’s token track, the line between celebrity triumph and tragedy could be finally blurred into a perfect union. And you bet VH1 would have behind-the-scenes footage.
Amy Winehouse struggles to?make it?through her song “Back To Black”:
Jeff Conaway struggles to…talk on Celebrity Rehab:
Up And Rising: Flight Of The Conchords
It’s Wild Bill’s birthday, and a totally righteous gift he bought?himself yesterday on New Music (& DVD!) Tuesday was the first season of the super-rad new?HBO series Flight Of The Conchords. Based on the musical act of the same name, the?duo of New Zealanders?Bret McKenzie and Jermaine Clement best resembles a less-vulgar, more-awkward version of the Jack Black-helmed Tenacious D.
Known as?”(formerly) New Zealand’s fourth-most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo,” Conchords follows the meta-trials and tribulations of the boys as they try to survive New York City.?But the path to fame is not easy, thanks to limited resources, a useless manager (Rhys Darby), an obsessive fan (Kristen Schaal) and accents which?do not easily?translate into American dialect.
Although the show is brilliant in its understated absurdity, perhaps its biggest downfall is the deficiency of music. Although the Conchords’ tunes are tied into the show at key points, they are often cobbled into shorter forms. Why is this disappointing? Along with their talent of?acting fabulously out-of-place, the boys are great musicians with fun ideas. Whether their songs muse on the intricacies of croissants, robots or partying, each tune is built upon a foundation of sly musicianship. Meshing reggae, soft jazz, gentle pop and techno, the mishmash of styles creates enough of a quirky groove as to be quite listenable without the crutch of television.
Unfortunately, truly great FOTC material is hard to come by (legally)?in the States.?We have to wait until next year for their first?studio full-length, which leaves for slim pickens in the meantime: a rare live album called Folk The World Tour, an even rarer recording of their brilliant self-titled BBC radio series, and a 5-song EP titled The Distant Future, which does little to whet the appetite of the most voracious fans. Sharp Notes will admit that there is a torrent file?out there which has every track culled from the show so far, but in fear that the RIAA will come in the night and steal our iPods, we simply suggest you purchase Season One and wait patiently for more new material.
“She’s So Hot…BOOM!” (live):?shes-so-hotboom.mp3
“Inner-City Pressure” (from Flight Of The Conchords):
The Death Of Their Father Proves That Donny and Marie Osmond Are Indeed Human and NOT Botox-Fueled Robots (Although We Still Have Our Sincere Doubts)
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Musical family dynasties worldwide?were shocked today?as it was announced?that?George Osmond, father of Donny, Marie and the rest of the Osmond family singers, died today of natural causes. The 90-year-old exemplified the classic American success story: devout Mormon serves in World War II, has nine kids after his return home, teaches kids how to sing, and whores them out at a young age in pursuit of fame and fortune.
But nay, don’t refer to George Osmond as the white?Joseph Jackson, the father and manager / promoter of his kids’ group, The Jackson Five. Nay, consider this one-time insurance salesman as?the white Joseph Jackson who fathered a less-than engaging child act. The Jackson clan?shone with?considerable musical genius at a young age, while the Osmonds were always the slightly-disturbing version of a young singing group. While the Jacksons were gettin’ down, the Osmonds were gettin’ awkward, fusing their music with an overt spirituality which?soon brought them from endearing to bizarre.
By the ’80s, as the careers of Janet and Michael began to skyrocket, Donnie and Marie, the cornerstones of the Osmonds, began to fade into self-parody. In fact,?few?artifacts of their recording career still exist, save their perennial Christmas albums, which gradualy?gather dust sitting on?your grandmother’s mantle.
No matter - George Osmond did the best he could to raise a pious family. And the next time Donny is hosting a reality show that gets cancelled after two episodes, or Marie talks like a crazy cat lady while shilling her dolls on QVC, they will surely have a glint of sadness in their eyes for their dear departed father.
P.S. - I hope someone keeps an eye on Marie - she seems like she?could use some?support. (bad taste?)
Snoop Dogg stops by Donny and Marie’s 1998?talk show to embarrass white people:
No, The Guy From Blink Is Not The World’s Best Drummer!
A recent conversation with friends lead Sharp Notes to debate against current +44 / former blink-182 stickman Travis Barker as the best living?drum?soloist.?While Barker is?definitely a god among punks and great as a stable,?fast resource, it is safe to say that many others trump his improvisational techniques.?And as we maintain a music blog, it seemed appropriate to support our argument with visual analysis of the best living legends in action.
5) Carter Beauford (Dave Matthews Band) - Utilizing a uniquely-styled kit to create a comprehensive world-music sound, Beauford’s avant-garde stylings switch on a dime from Afrobeat to contemporary rock. On this solo culled from a live performance of DMB staple “Two Step,” listen to the speed and control Beauford exhibits, as well as his knack for rhythmic timing:
4) Stevie Wonder - Even though this songwriting genius is blind, he is able to play just about any musical instrument with ease. This early-career performance is astounding in?how much better Wonder navigates four senses than most of us handle five:
Remember Silverchair?
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We didn’t, until Sharp Notes superfriend Gail reminded us how dope they had been / still are.?Even though the boys gained international?fame with the 1995?grunge classic “Tommorrow” at the ripe age of 14, the group has been shifting styles and defying conventions ever since. And even though Silverchair took a five-year?hiatus between 2002’s Diorama and July’s Young Modern, the new album was worth the wait.
Although we did not think too much of Young Modern when it was first?released, the sachrine of lead single “Straight Lines” is too brilliant to be ignored. A lifetime from the days of aping Kurt Cobain, this synthy track is high on pop. Yet in the context of the gritty album surrounding it, it is clear that Silverchair is not selling out, but rather pushing the boundries of their sound. And who can knock them for that?
“Straight Lines”:
Bonus: While touring the new album,?Silverchair had a rough date on Leno. Lead singer Daniel Johns developed a severe case of lyrangitis and, well, couldn’t sing at all. But in order to not dissapoint their fans, the group soldiered on and played the show anyway. It sounds pretty bad as Johns strains to croak out the most basic syllables, but their determination shows a rugged and respactible committment to the sanctity of rock. And at certain parts, the raspy Dave Grohl-esque vocals even add extra oomph to the song.
“Straight Lines” (live on Leno):
Sharp Notes Loves Paramore
Say what you will about pop-punk’s best new batch of barely legals- Paramore is fronted by rock’s most righteous chick, lead singer Hayley Williams.?Not only does she wail on the mike, but has a totally legit stage presence and is quite fetching as she sings.?Basically, Hayley would be Avril if the Canadian queen was attractive, kind-hearted, talented and genuine.?We likey.
Rad video of Paramore ripping through “That’s What You Get” at KROQ’s L.A. Invasion yesterday:
Retirement Rockers
“You’re too old to rock! /?No more rockin’ for you!” - Tenacious D
A press release confirmed yesterday that Led Zeppelin will be reuniting in London on November 26 during a concert benefit the Ahmet Ertegun Educational Fund. This is just another example of a disturbing trend in which old rock and roll masters are riding decades of success in order to relive their glory days.? For bands such as Led Zeppelin, The Who and The Rolling Stones, there is no reason to keep playing - you are millionaires who should simply be tooling around privately in your home studios, leaving your legacy intact.? Instead, these dinosaurs can’t leave well enough alone, determined to make sure that some of their final shows are crippled by sagging features and shot vocal chords.
Don’t get me wrong - I love the music of the aforementioned bands as much as / more than their average fan, and I consider myself a devoted Zeppelin-ite.? But the fact remains that rock and roll is a sport of the young, and unless you write a stable canon of new songs, touring tunes you played way better in your youth is just a way to spur ticket sales from nostalgia lovers.? It is important to note the distinction - artists such as Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan and Neil Young have exhibited several periods of creative genius, earning them the right to perform engaging new material.? But other bands?offer?concrete reasons they should be banned from public performance:
-The Rolling Stones:?Guitarist Keith Richards?and?his crew are the Main Offenders, so to speak (excuse the pretentious pun).? The?Stones built an epic legacy off of their tightly-wound rock songs and their explosive, sexual onstage energy.? But look at them now.? Their last?great album was 1981’s Tattoo You, after which the boys attempted 26 years of reinvention, all to realize that they were fine the way they were.? This meant that the only relevant songs which stuck while touring were those?which were?at least 30 years old?.? But they themselves were much older than 30, and on their most recent A Bigger Bang Tour, the median age of the members was about 125.? Vocalist Mick Jagger resembled an ill version of Skeletor.
Quote Of The Millenium
“During my gravity-defying musical career, the intensity, ferocity and sexual energy of my shows always have kept the faint of heart at a distance.” - Guitarist / Hunter / Maniac Ted Nugent, in the 9/9/07 op-ed pages of the Waco Tribune.
Channel the?Motor City Madman’s sexual energy in this video of a young Nugent performing the classic “Stranglehold”:
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