Courtesy Slamonline
With the NBA Dunk Contest tonight and ESPN brainwashing me all week with JordanCenter, I started thinking about how cool it’d be to posterize some kid in the campus gymnasium. Just Like Mike-ing, soaring above some rattled chump’s head as I tear down the backboard and ruin all intramural sports for a month. Unfortunately, I have the less hops than a six pack of O’douls and struggle to dunk on our Nerf basket that stands an imposing seven feet tall.
Naturally, I started thinking about what else in sports I will never be able to do, but want to pretty badly:
Hit a home run. If you say you can casually smack a homer, you are a batting cage hero and most likely are blood doping.
Bowl a 300 game. Velcro shoes, personal bowling ball and attire must go hand-in-hand with my perfect game.
Record one block in a basketball game. Tell me you wouldn’t want to NBA Street reject someone.
Blindside a quarterback while he’s mid windup. Fumble, scoop and score. Would want to add a couple pounds, maybe a buck-fifty for D-Line swag purposes.
Bench someone in hockey. Like nail someone over the boards into my own bench. Wouldn’t want the break-the-glass hit because shards of glass raining on me isn’t my cup of tea.
Hole in one. Anyone reading this who has played golf with me is laughing.
Double backflip on a motorcycle. This.
Bend in a corner kick. I’ve seen my friends back in the glory days of U13 bend in free kicks. Not a corner kick.
Pole vault. At least have to try this sport (the video description for that pole vaulting montage is, “Its a pole vault mix. its good. heights listed in meters. i like potatoes.” Wait, what?).