If you’re reading this column in the Thursday edition of The Ithacan, today is Halloween. If you’re anything like me, you have barely thought about what you’re going to wear for tonight’s festivities.
Picking a good Halloween costume is arguably more stressful as a college student because you’re expected to be more clever with your clothing choice than when you were a kid. Beyond that, you have to be crafty and make your own outfit — usually from scratch. Unfortunately, my mom is no longer around to help make my robot costume.
Have no worries, my friends. I’ve taken the time to come up with some quick costumes based on what I know best — sports. Wear these to this weekend’s parties and let the compliments shower over you.
You can dress up as a Red Sox fan. Throw on a pink BoSox baseball cap and an old Jonathan Papelbon T-shirt. Let yourself go a little bit! Shaving, bathing and other standard methods of hygiene are not required. Break the ice by complaining about how nobody believed in your team, even after being in first place most of the season.
If that doesn’t suit you, go as Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner. Offer the host $20 for the leftover pizza and wings in his or her fridge — surely it tasted great just a few weeks ago. When someone brings up a recent test that you bombed, simply pretend it didn’t happen. Talk about that quiz you rocked a couple years ago. After all, this semester was just a farewell tour for Mariano Rivera.
If pretending to be Hal doesn’t feed your power trip, why not go as NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell? Force your friends to drink until they’re about to pass out. Make sure to film them so you can capture this moment forever. Then, when they’re sent to the hospital, deny that you ever convinced them to drink. Refuse to help pay their hospital bill until they sue you, then throw them a pile of money so they’ll never talk again.
If you’re the competitive type, you can always go as Kobe Bryant. It’s your time to dominate the flip cup table. Show up with your arm in a sling, stick your jaw out and hiss at people. Come with a group of teammates who have terrible hand-eye coordination, but never admit that your team might lose. Glare at your friend when he can’t get his cup to land. Then post a catty Instagram photo about him when he goes to the bathroom. He’ll get the message.