With midterm week over and done with, I am finally home for Fall Break, ready to eat, sleep and waste away my weekend before heading back.

The best part of coming home, though, is seeing my cats. The one is fat and stinky and I don’t talk to her. Her name is Ms. Baby. The other, Derek Zoolander, kind of has a reputation.

He was normal when we first got him, but since I entered college he has taken a turn for the worse. It’s probably just him dealing with my leaving, but either way—through force of the neighborhood association—he is now an indoor kitty. When he does get out, my dad has to alert the neighbors.

A few weeks ago the situation went from bad to worse when he attacked my mom. She went to the doctors about it, thinking it was infected, and they told her that Derek needed to be checked out.

A week later, we got a letter saying that Derek is no longer allowed in the veterinarian’s office.

This being all the latest gossip in my family, I was excited to see him and all his craziness. But to my dismay, he is sick right now and pretty low key. Though the other day he did attack my sister and he arm is covered in cuts. Despite the hilarity that a cat rules my families lives, considering that everyone is scared to walk by him, it is kind of sad because we really have no idea what to do with him. So long story short, if anyone needs a cat—there is one named Derek Zoolander you can have. Fo Free.