I’m looking at you, Mrs. Jordan. What do you get MJ for Valentine’s Day? I’m thinking Godiva just wouldn’t cut it. Guy probably harbors Godiva in his basement. Roses? The Jordan household most likely hires flower boys to follow around the Jordan family inside the house and lightly toss pedals as they walk.

It has to be difficult picking out romantic, profound gifts to professional athletes. Throughout my 19 total Valentine’s Days thus far in my life, I have done it a total of zero times. Perfect. (For the record I started writing this post, got bored, checked Twitter and saw #TebowValentineGifts was trending. Neato.)

– A Chris Paul jersey for David Stern

– A hung up old, moldy towel for Randy Moss (moldy moss — clever, I know)

– A Jeremy Lin jersey for Kobe Bryant

– Stress Relief Tea for Peyton Manning

– A free trip to see the Michelin Man for Sidney Crosby

– A book contract to write, How to look suave, always, for Henrik Lundqvist

– A trip to a Kindergarten class that’s specializing in “cooperation” for Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire

– A key to Chapel Hill for Austin Rivers

– A Blake Griffin Fathead for Kendrick Perkins

– And for MJ, gum