I gotta say, this years Oscars has been a rather dull exercise, save for JLo’s wardrobe malfunction, Crystal’s questionable judgement in using blackface, and Sacha Baron Cohen spilling the alleged ashes of Kim Jong-Il on Ryan Seacrest. That last one might as well have been the highlight of the night,  but let’s get into the nitty-gritty.

Best Cinematography: Hugo

Best Art Direction: Hugo

Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer

Best Film Editing: Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (Kirk Baxter & Angus Wall)

These two were rather cute, ending abruptly with “Let’s just get out of here”. Hey screw it, they can make it look good in post, right?

Best Sound Editing: Hugo (Tom Fleischman & John Midgley)

Best Sound Mixing: Hugo (Tom Fleischman & John Midgley)

Kermit and Miss Piggy beign MCing and host a “Let’s Go to the Movies” montage, complete with an extensive Cirque Du Solei set? I mean, I have no idea what’s going on, but it’d be pretty damn cool if I had to dodge flying Canadian bodies while trying to enjoy the latest installment of Date Movie. Clearly I’ve been going to all the wrong theaters…

Billy Crystal follows this up by making a bunch of “HAHA he’s OLD” jokes.

Here comes Gweneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr spoofing documentaries by making a called “The Presenter”. Says RDJ: “this thing wants me on Netflix by nightlife”. Paltrow replies: “there’s no way you turned down The Descendents for this”

Best Documentary Feature: Undefeated

Whoops, someone in that ensemble just swore. Play them away Orchestra! Anyone notice some seemed a little more saucy than appropriate?

Chris Rock hosting Best Animation and is making a killer set, riffing on his roles in Shrek. Aaaand…

Best Animated Feature Film: Rango (Gore Verbinski)

Billy Crystal’s opening skit to introduce Ben Stiller and Emma Stone seems like it was phoned in to make Crystal seem better about himself. Stiller is acting incredibly stoic while Stone is all loosy-goosy!

Best Visual Effects: Hugo (Rob Legato, Joss Williams, and some other dudes)

Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, The Beginners

Methinks the Orchestra has too much reverence for Christopher Plummer to play him off? I’m glad they didn’t, as his acceptance speech was very humbling.

And woah, there’s a BIG ASS scoreboard that popped out of the stage floor. Crystal introduces Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson, who are introducing…

Best Original Score: Ludovic Bource, The Artist

I’m waiting for him to go into a “You talkin’ to me” Taxi Driver impression… it didn’t happen. 🙁

Will Ferrell and Zach Galifinackis emerge on stage with marching band cymbals and matching white tuxedos, presenting Best Original Song.

Best Original Song: “Man Or Muppet”, Brett McKenzie

Oh hey there, concession stand girls passing out popcorn! Cut to break.

And WOW. Angelina Jolie is channeling her inner Jessica Rabbit introducing…

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Descendants

Best Original Screenplay: Midnight in Paris

“As my Grandma used to say, it could be short but still make your toes curl”. Extended schlong-jokes in reference to…

Best Short Film: The Shore

Oh hey, Scorcese drinking game? What will the children think?!?!?

Best Documentary Short Feature: Saving Face

Funny because i’m praying that there’s still time for this year’s Oscars to Save Face as well…

Best Animated Short Film: Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

And here comes Michael Douglass apparently working on his William Shatner impersonation…

Best Director: Michelle Hazanavicius, The Artist

“I have no idea what’s going on”. Pretty much summarizes his acceptance speech. Cue the orchestra… No? Well, alrighty then.

Crystal now introduces the always elegant Meryl Streep, who’re honoring Oprah Winfrey and a slew of others the Oscars don’t have time to formally acknowledge. I guess? Sure, why not.

Natalie Portman comes out to Black Swan/Tchaikovsky to introduce…

Best Actor: Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Random French profanity outburst! Hell, at least they won’t censor him like the Undefeated guys.

Crystal introduces Colin Firth to present the nominations for…

Best Actress: Meryl Streep, for Iron Lady

Hot damn, now it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, after suffering through a mediocre Oscar night. Best Picture is presented by… TOM CRUISE. Seriously?!?!!?!??!

Best Motion Picture goes to: The Artist (!!!!)

With that, the Tree of Life has been completely snubbed out of the Oscars. And that’s a wrap, folks. What an… interesting Oscar night? In all honesty I would’ve rather had Ricky Gervais as the MC rather than the Extremely Safe and Incredibly Tame Billy Crystal. There’s always next year, goodnight folks!