January 29, 2023
Ithaca, NY | 29°F


Brainstorming the next sport



So this happened in a Division III baseball game over the weekend. I don’t know where they grow the kids that play on our team here at Ithaca, but I do know that if I got blindsided by one of those giants, I’m parking in the handicapped spot for at least a month.

Anyway, this video got me thinking: What would happen if sports were combined to create some sort of super-sport? If you’ve never seen Slamball, watch this video, and go reevaluate your sports fanhood. I want the next Slamball.

  • The obvious starting point is something with football. My first thought was to have guys lay out golfers in their backswings, but that’s mean. Maybe, in this instant-gratification, violence-adoring culture we live in, it’s necessary to liven up golf. Hang with me, I’m just spitballing here: golfers work in teams of two (still playing in a foursome); once ball-to-club contact is made both partners who aren’t hitting (they’re in the fairway somewhere lined up where they think their hitter will land the ball) engage in an all out battle to possess the ball, much like a Pop Warner fumble drill. If you get possession, you get to throw the ball wherever you want (i.e. if it’s your ball, throw that sucker on the green. If it’s your opponent’s, toss that puppy behind the Ladies’ tees). Admit it, you’ve heard worse ideas.
  • More likely: Diving blended with any sport with a ball. Not one person in the world doesn’t like jumping off a diving board and catching a ball. I’m actually pretty sure I single-handedly blew out my dad’s shoulder(s) from making him throw me a tennis ball as I jumped off our club’s diving board. Imagine a professional league of that, with professional throwers and judges who rate your flips and twists along with overall splash size. Glorious.
  • Feeling the 90’s after that last paragraph, so any sport involving a Razor scooter works.
  • Lacrosse and golf. Driving with a long pole, chiping/putting with a short stick. My friend who “lives on a golf course” says he’s played it. Wouldn’t hate it.
  • Something with racquetballs. Just bouncing those things by yourself is ten times better than homework. Maybe dodgeball? Or aggressive street hockey?

Spent way too much time on this blog. I’ll stick to real sports.