None of this would’ve happened if Mitt Romney picked Tim Pawlenty. Pawlenty is 51, with a graying head of receding brown hair and a propensity for flashing the awkward, dad-you’re-embarrassing-me thumbs-up. Paul Ryan, on the other hand, is kind of a babe. Luscious black hair, piercing eyes— he’s younger than Obama, a proponent of the infamous P90X workout, and looks like the ex-boyfriend you sometimes catch your wife daydreaming about. Pawlenty looks like a cockatiel in a suit. Ryan looks like a champion springer spaniel. A sexy, sexy springer spaniel.
None of this Romney-on-Ryan smut would’ve happened if Romney had just gone for the cockatiel as his VP. But he went with the young gun, oft-shirtless Ryan, so now http://ryanxromneyfanfics.tumblr.com exists. It’s an aggregate site for Romney/Ryan slashfiction— fiction featuring the two men romantically or sexually involved— because there is enough of that type of writing out there to warrant its own aggregate site.
The site collects writing from some of the types you might expect. Young liberal otherwise non-authors mocking the men’s policies with a lot of “screw me like I’m the middle class” talk, and fanfic writers who take time out of their Sherlock-inspired epics to pen a good ol’ fashion hypocritical homo-who-hates-homos-finds-true-love-and-lube romp.
Oh, and then there are the professional erotica authors who’ve stepped into the ring.
And not just with freebie, one-off, 500 word tales of Romney necking his running mate. Books. Books available on Kindle, in fact, for just $.99. I spoke to professional erotica author Bailey Marie, author of “Dressage: A Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan Presidential Slash Fic,” available through both Amazon and, probably, Mike Huckabee’s nightmares.
“Romney and Ryan are cartoon characters anyway, so this seemed hilarious to me,” Marie explains. “I think Romney is a pandering jerk, to be honest. And Paul Ryan’s budget policies are unrealistic and inhumane…for some reason what I write sells, no matter how absurd I think it is.” Adding, “I write erotica to make money, not to get me off.”
While Marie’s book isn’t necessarily for her enjoyment, one would imagine someone, somewhere, has to be aroused by Dressage to warrant it’s existence as erotica, right? Is it truly slashfic if the writing’s purpose is more political than prurient? Well, yes and no. The focus of these pieces is always, always, about the ecstasy Romney and Ryan would both experience once they’ve truly consummated their partnership “off the record,” if you catch my drift. But the message of each of these pieces is hey, you guys would be truly happy if you stopped talking about how society-collapsingly evil homosexuality is andjust hooked up. Romney/Ryan slashfic is, at it’s core, hope porn. Hope that these two men would be happy— and maybe even stop trying to dismantle Medicare— if they just made out a bit.
And no one wants to make out with a cockatiel.