January 29, 2023
Ithaca, NY | 36°F


Too Hot to Handle

There is a dark place on the Internet where no good can be found… it takes what it thinks it knows about you and uses it to its own sick, twisted mind’s advantage. Some people like to call this place the ad space on the side of Facebook.

My roommate told me the other day about something called “HotPants.” They were something that had popped up in this dark place of the Internet. Now, what was it about my roommate that made Facebook think this ad was appropriate for her? I didn’t know. So I decided to do some research.

HotPants by Zaggora are a new workout “phenomenon” in the form of a pair of spandex shorts that heat the tissue in your skin (or something… once again science is not my forte) and help reduce cellulite. The website boasts that this special “Celu‐Lite™ technology” reduces body fat and cellulite by warming the muscles and tissue in your body (or something… once again, science isn’t my forte) and “increasing perspiration,” “potentially reducing 2 jean sizes in 2 weeks.”


So I’m gonna lay this out for you: These pants are like microwave pants. They give a whole new meaning to the word “sweatpants” (harhar?). No, sorry, I’m not going to put on pants that make the wearer drip with sweat. I don’t want to walk around wearing sweaty spandex pants. You can’t make me.

The only real downside of this product that I can see (that was sarcasm) is that they don’t work on men because of some sort of biological thing regarding the difference between female and male skin cells/tissue/something. I suppose the simple fact that my roommate is female was enough to make the dark place on the Internet target her with the HotPants. So sorry gentlemen, you can’t wear HotPants. Well, I guess you could, but I don’t know what good it would do for you. I recommend going and doing hot yoga. That would probably give you the same desired effect, minus the gross sweaty pants. And you’d probably feel more zen-like; I hear yoga does that for you. Whatever that means. #idontexercise #totallyknowwhatimtalkingabout