October 4, 2022
Ithaca, NY | 53°F


What athlete would make the best president?

No part of my body is looking forward to the election tomorrow. The amount of stupid arguments I’ve seen/listened to on Facebook, Twitter, from talking heads, and in person are a joke and I can not wait until we as a nation can get over making a spectacle out of an “election” that’s really just a matter of if you like sweet ‘n sour sauce or barbeque sauce with your nuggets — because you’re still getting that same bland, processed chicken, anyway.

But, I want to use this space to talk about something that matters. What if The Nerdlucks (Space Jam reference — they were the Monstars — duh) stopped by tomorrow, casually aggressively took over the world, but said the world could be saved if America chose a president that met their criteria.

The criteria is as follows: Must be or have been involved in professional athletics. That’s it. Now just in case, and I’m just spitballing here because we don’t have that much time before they come, but here are the top candidates:

  • Tim Tebow. Classic. Had to. But really, let’s be honest, he’d win and you could (you will) actually vote for worse.
  • Michael Jordan. Imagine a nation sponsored by Nike (did you walk outside?).
  • Ichiro. Seems like a nice enough guy, could definitely improve foreign relations.
  • Shaq. Environmentalist who lives in a mansion who also knows style? Boom.
  • The Williams sisters. If we are too stubborn to have one woman president, then maybe two?
  • Ryan Lochte. Seems smart enough. 
  • John Rocker. Have never despised an athlete more, so it’d make sense he’d be a logical pick.
  • Jason Taylor. The most likely choice. Listen to him speak, guy wouldn’t be half bad.
  • Lebron. We’d have mad talents in the White House, so that’s good.
  • Tie Domi. Throw some skates on the bad guys and we win that battle.

Skip, Stephen A., your turn.