Everyone has their great white whale.

My white whale is a squirrel.

Let me explain.

As a pseudo-professional trawler of the final frontier that is the Internet’s id, I’ve come across a lot of weird stuff. A lot of that stuff has made me laugh. Some of it has made me cringe or ask “in the name of all that is holy why,” but ultimately my goal is to find things that are both unusual and make me giggle like an infant playing peek-a-boo. Or something. Enter @common_squirrel.

Allow me to break down the complex, multi-faceted semiotic layers of this intricate twitter user. Ahem: it tweets squirrel stuff. That’s it. It just tweets what a squirrel does and thinks. Examples: “Hop” “Acorn” “run” “hop hop hop” “sniff” “hop hop” “tree.” According to my highly scientific calculations, that is the single funniest thing in the entire world. It is the best thing on twitter, bar none, case closed, the end.

And I can’t get an interview.

While I appreciate the account is probably run through a queue, perhaps something like Tweetdeck, I can’t figure out who runs the account. I’ve tweeted @common_squirrel multiple times, but there’s no response. There’s no Gawker profile on the person behind the 80,000 follower-rich account, no job offer from Buzzfeed, nothing. Just some mystery person, with no available contact info, tweeting as a massively popular squirrel.

It is my life’s goal to land an interview with this squirrel. Okay, maybe it’s my semester goal. But soft. I will hunt this twitter user to the very edges of the vast, dark Internet seas.

I’m going to need more harpoons.