January 29, 2023
Ithaca, NY | 41°F


Things you wish you could do in sports

Courtesy Slamonline

With the NBA Dunk Contest tonight and ESPN brainwashing me all week with JordanCenter, I started thinking about how cool it’d be to posterize some kid in the campus gymnasium. Just Like Mike-ing, soaring above some rattled chump’s head as I tear down the backboard and ruin all intramural sports for a month. Unfortunately, I have the less hops than a six pack of O’douls and struggle to dunk on our Nerf basket that stands an imposing seven feet tall.

Naturally, I started thinking about what else in sports I will never be able to do, but want to pretty badly:

  • Hit a home run. If you say you can casually smack a homer, you are a batting cage hero and most likely are blood doping.
  • Bowl a 300 game. Velcro shoes, personal bowling ball and attire must go hand-in-hand with my perfect game.
  • Record one block in a basketball game. Tell me you wouldn’t want to NBA Street reject someone.
  • Blindside a quarterback while he’s mid windup. Fumble, scoop and score. Would want to add a couple pounds, maybe a buck-fifty for D-Line swag purposes.
  • Bench someone in hockey. Like nail someone over the boards into my own bench. Wouldn’t want the break-the-glass hit because shards of glass raining on me isn’t my cup of tea.
  • Hole in one. Anyone reading this who has played golf with me is laughing.
  • Double backflip on a motorcycle. This.
  • Bend in a corner kick. I’ve seen my friends back in the glory days of U13 bend in free kicks. Not a corner kick.
  • Pole vault. At least have to try this sport (the video description for that pole vaulting montage is, “Its a pole vault mix. its good. heights listed in meters. i like potatoes.” Wait, what?).