January 30, 2023
Ithaca, NY | 33°F


The Buttzine is a zine about butts

Do you have any idea how much porn there is on the Internet? No. You don’t. Mere mortals like yourself, dear reader, could not bear possessing comprehensive knowledge of the unfathomable amount of videos promising rabid penetration of barely-legal vacant-eyed coeds or the unthinkable decades an infinite and ever-expanding  stream of amateur porn comprises, endlessly flowing outwards to dilate the pupils of the sweaty, lotion-readied eager masses; the eons-long dirge of faked climaxes squawking  back-to-back into eternity would wreak unspoken havoc on the human psyche. Suffice to say, there’s a whole bunch of porn on the Internet.

Ahoy Booty! is about butts, but it’s not porn. While this may seem impossible in this smut-drenched  age, it’s true. Porn is meant to arouse. Booty! is about appreciation. It’s like a gallery. Stroll around, swill fancy champagne, discuss the finer points of this butt’s architecture or that butt’s shape. Wear a turtleneck. Squint. Maybe you’ll be aroused because hey, butts are nice, but that’s a side effect. Ahoy Booty! is a celebration of butts. All kinds of butts! And they’re going to print.

There’s gonna be a Butt Zine.

While Ahoy Booty! is popular for obvious reasons— how many times can I say “butts” in this article, butts butts butts, the reason is butts— they don’t just exist to aggregate photographs of butts. They’ve been taking submissions. Of comics, of jokes and stories and poems and renderings and anything you can print on paper that’s about butts, they’re accepting. They were accepting, that is— the submission period just ended, so now is the time for accepting and denying and composing what will certainly be the greatest butt-centric work since Ulysses.

I will probably be fired for linking to this treasure of posteriors but use google, check tumblr, and inspect the butts as you please. There’s high art to be made from our backsides.

Final buttcount: 19.